As Time Goes By

This weekend marks the first anniversary of the defining moment in my current life; it was one year ago that I made the decision to transition.



As i've written before, it was in the first part of last year that it slowly began to dawn on me that transition was actually possible. By summer I was figuring out who I was and was going to be. In mid August I got up the nerve to venture out in public for the first time.

Being myself, and being accepted as myself by other people, was an amazing, intoxicating experience. For the first time in my life I felt free of all pretense, able to do and say what I felt.

People who have never been through it can't even imagine what it's like spending your whole life being someone you're not. The sense of relief at no longer having to hide inside another persona was one of the strongest emotions I've ever felt; each evening the muscles of my face would ache from the huge grin I was wearing.

After two weekends of going to the club, stopping into a restaurant on the way home, buying things at a convenience store, and all the other little things that others take for granted as normal life, I knew I had to transition; I had to finally be true to myself.

That was been exactly one year ago. In the wee hours of Monday morning, I emailed for a therapist's appointment. I had begun my journey. (For those who are unfamiliar with the process: three months of counseling are required before being allowed to begin hormone therapy. I began in December.)

Thinking back to that weekend a year ago, I reallize that it was a lot like stepping off a cliff. You take the leap, trusting that you've made the right decision. Changes happen slowly at first, but gravity has its way and the pace accelerates. Transition takes on a momentum of its own, almost beyond your control, and the best thing you can do is to just hang on and enjoy the ride.

A year ago I couldn't have imagined that I'd be where I am now. My body has changed in major ways. My feelings and wants and needs and emotions are so different. I'm tantalizingly close to living full-time, being out to everyone I know except my employers. And my face still aches sometimes from smiling.

I'm not even going to try to guess what the next year will bring.