Beach Blanket Bingo

A few weeks ago, a support group that I belong to announced that, in lieu of a regular June meeting, the group would instead hold a big all-day beach party. It sounded like a wonderful event, with the promise of great weather, lots of food, and a ton of people having a good time, and the very thought of it struck terror in my heart!

Why? Why did my skin get clammy and my knees begin to shake every time it was mentioned? Because it meant that I would have to buy a swimsuit, and worse, I might even have to wear it! As I looked around the group, I could see that I wasn't the only one in distress.

You see, very few of us are perfectly secure with our bodies, especially those of us who are still in the early stages of transition. Think about it: even a lot of genetic women dread summer coming around, with the necessity of shorts and swimsuits. Imagine the angst in one who relies heavily on breast forms and shapers and pantyhose! Not to mention that some of us have never been anywhere except home and the safety of our meetings.

There's another issue as well: a lot of us are in the middle of having laser hair removal, and the laser practitioner has warned us over and over again, "No sun! Stay out of the sun! If you have to be exposed for a short time, wear the heaviest sunscreen you can find! But stay out of the sun!". Creeping paranoia begins to set in.

Of course, if you're at the beach, you're pretty much expected to get in the water at some point. In the water? In the water? Are you insane? Do you know what that will do to my makeup? And my wig! What about my wig?

The meeting room disappears in a wavy dissolve, and an image forms before me...

(Please note: the following is fantasy, making liberal use of stereotypes. It's a joke. Anyone complaining will be sent to the office with a note for being humor-impaired.)

The cars are circled like covered wagons, providing us with some slight protection from the outside world. Within the circle can be seen a forest of beach umbrellas, beneath which sit some 20 women wearing t-shirts over one-piece swimsuits with built-in skirts. Huge floppy hats and pitch-black sunglasses are everywhere.

The center of the circle is dominated by two items: a 40-gallon drum of SPF 40 sunblock, into which girls are taking turns dipping parts of their bodies,and a brick barbecue pit around which are gathered 8 or 9 FTMs, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and swearing. At one point, an extremely masculine-looking guy (who actually has very little experience being male) nearly sets his face on fire lighting the grill. He is saved when the shock wave from the fireball knocks him backwards before the flames can reach him.

Beneath one of the umbrellas, two girls are arguing over whether the salt water will cause their nylons to unravel, while another keeps peering nervously around her Ozzie Osborne sunglasses to see whether someone she knows might have chosen this day to come to the beach.

The guys eventually manage to burn the steaks well enough, and everyone grabs a plate; the girls each pick up enough napkins to wash a car. As the afternoon wears on (and the beer flows), a few brave souls venture briefly into the water, retreating before each incoming wave, then working their way back out again. Inevitably, someone falls asleep in the shadow of her umbrella, waking up hours later to find that the sun has moved and she is burned to the color of a steamed lobster. The sound of a ball game wafts from the window of a black SUV, the roof of which is hot enough to fry an egg. People gather in little groups under the umbrellas, comparing HRT dosages and being jealous of the one twenty-something who looks so good in the white bikini. One of the guys stops by; "Has anyone come across a gold loop earring? Janie lost one in the sand somewhere...".

As the sun starts to get low in the sky, people begin packing up like a circus moving on to the next small town. Each is thinking, "Well, that wasn't so bad; I actually had a lot of fun!".

At the next meeting, one of the girls will have "I Survived Tranny Beach Bash 2006" t-shirts.