Isolation

An interesting question came up recently in a support group: Would you still find it necessary to go through physical transition if you were suddenly to be isolated forever on an island somewhere, never to be seen by another human being?

The point of the question was, of course, to get at how much we are transitioning for ourselves and how much to better fit into society. To me, though, it brought up a much more interesting question: Could I live in total isolation?

Prior to my realization that transition was actually possible, I would have answered yes without hesitation. I had always felt isolated anyway, never really a part of the world. At work, among friends, and even in relationships I had always kept a distance between myself and those around me. When you are pretending to be someone you're not, you can't let up for a moment; you're afraid to get too close to anyone for fear that your secret will slip out. It's as if you're an international spy or an undercover cop: one false move and your cover is blown.

Isolation was my friend. It was the only way I could relax and be myself. And then transition changed everything.

Suddenly I had nothing to hide. After all those years of hiding inside myself, the dam had burst and everything came pouring out. I told all my friends and family what I was doing, and found I actually enjoyed telling them and answering their questions. Online and in support groups I tried to pass along what I had learned about myself to anyone with a need or desire to know. Just talking to friends on the phone became a great joy. This was what had been missing all those years, being able to talk openly and honestly about my feelings, my fears and my desires. I had spent most of my life deprived of that most basic of human needs, the need to be close to someone, and I was making up for lost time.

Now living in that kind of isolation again is unthinkable. After experiencing what life is supposed to be, going back would kill me as surely as a bullet to the brain.

This just in...

It's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything here, so I've decided to do a little catching up and filling in. Nothing heavy today, just "here's what I've been up to" kind of stuff.

I had my third laser hair removal session a little over 3 weeks ago. The original plan was to alternate between the full face and just the goatee area, but my neck seemed to be more stubborn than my chin, so we did it and the upper lip. The neck didn't seem to be quite as sensitive as last time (thank God!), so the worst part was the lip again. My chin is just now starting to grow out a bit, and I think one more session might reduce it to nothing but white hairs that will be dealt with by electrolysis.

I've actually found one way in which my transition is saving me money: my razor blade costs are dropping to nothing!

This past weekend was a busy one, despite having no support groups or therapy sessions scheduled. It seemed I was doing something every minute! I visited friends in Sarasota Friday evening, worked on a new laptop for my friend Sandy on Saturday morning, went out to Z109 Saturday night, and saw the show at the Suncoast Resort Sunday night.

Z109 was packed on Saturday; a bunch of girls from all over the state (who know each other through Yahoo groups) had planned a big get-together there, and it seemed every last one of them showed up! It was nice meeting face-to-face with a lot of people I had only known online.

All in all it was a great weekend, with the only bad moment coming late Sunday night when I had to strip off my nail polish for work Monday morning. They can deal with the long nails, but I don't think it would be a good idea to show up with them painted red...

I'm just a little over a week from having been on HRT for six months. It's hard to believe it's been that long. My development shows no signs of slowing down; I just about fill a B-cup now, and the hips keep getting bigger and the waist smaller. My hair has gotten a lot thicker; I had it trimmed a couple of weeks ago, and I'm starting to go without my wig more and more. In another month or two, I may be able to do without it completely.

I've had no luck finding a new job yet. I've sent in several resumes, but haven't gotten any responses recently. I hope something comes up soon; it's getting harder and harder to hide who I am. I can't even imagine doing this for another 6 months!

I have done a bit more freelance work, and I'm trying to develop that further (hint hint).

I guess that's it for now; I promise my next post will be something profound and meaningful, or as close to it as I can manage.