It'll be okay...

In one of the forums I frequent, a married crossdresser who recently "came out" to her family made a post saying that her wife is taking it badly, her son has no respect for her, and she is going to stop dressing and try to go back to the way things were before coming out, to try to save her marriage.

Aside from the obvious questions of whether it is possible to go back, this post raised another issue because she had been advised by other members of the forum to explain her feelings to her spouse.

All of us in this community want nothing but good things for the people we've come to know. Most of us know how important a few words of encouragement have been to us at critical moments, and we want to provide that same encouragement for others. But there is a danger.

We see someone going through all the pain and turmoil of wrestling with the decisions they have to make, and we want to tell them that it will be okay, that everything will work out. But we need to be careful; we need to remember that sometimes things aren't okay, and sometimes they don't work out.

We need to be realistic. The need to transition, or the need to come out to people close to us is so strong that it's easy to deceive ourselves; we read all the stories of wonderful, understanding spouses and friends, of passing when we never thought we would, and those stay in our minds. We don't remember the stories of divorce, recrimination, and being outed in public because that's not the way we want it to be for us. We become blind to the realities of our own situation.

If you're 6' 6", wear a size 15 shoe, and have a voice like James Earl Jones, you're going to have a tough time being out in public. If your father grew up in Lizard Beak Arkansas, watches Fox News, listens to Rush Limbaugh every day and doesn't care much for George Bush because he's not conservative enough, there's a good chance he's not going to accept your transition. If your wife has been with you for decades with never a hint that you were TG and you suddenly show up in an evening gown and 5" heels, she's going to have a hard time dealing with it and may not be able to deal with it at all.

So should we stop encouraging people? Of course not. Give them the kind words and reassurances, but point out the possibilities. Give them tips on how to make things go smoothly, but also give them tips on how to deal with the pain and rejection that may come.

I've been incredibly lucky so far, without a single bad experience. But I know that I've been lucky, and that my luck could run out at any time. Unfortunately, the reality is that there are a lot of people out there who either can't or won't understand who we are and what we're about, and feel threatened and even disgusted by us. We shouldn't be surprised when we meet them.