Gender Identity?

What is gender identity? Is it an inborn set of values, feelings and attitudes? An articial construct, based on societal rules and expectations? It all comes down to the ancient question of nature vs. nurture. And the answer here, as in most things, is probably "both".

(Please note: there is a huge range of variation among individuals; the discussion below is intended to be an overview of general principles, not something to be applied blindly to everyone. It is my own interpretation, not intended to be definitive, but rather a basis for thought and discussion.)

Evolution has favored those who fit what we now consider to be stereotypically masculine or feminine traits. Natural selection is often misinterpreted as "survival of the fittest". In reality, the survival of the individual is not what is selected for; rather, it is the ability to pass ones genes along to another generation.

Historically, men who were good providers, with skills in hunting and/or gathering were seen by women as attractive potential mates, thus providing those men with more opportunities to pass along their genes. It was in the interest of men to impregnate as many women as possible, as often as possible, so as to increase the chances of the survival at least some of their offspring.

Women with strong maternal instincts were more likely to safeguard their children. Empathy for others helped create supportive communities. And the desire to settle with a single mate increased the chances that they and their offspring would continue to be provided for.

Thus the presence in people today of traits considered masculine or feminine (there were a number of physical attributes selected for as well, but these are irrelevant to this discussion).

These inborn traits provide the basis for what we now call "gender identity". How they manifest themselves in our day to day lives is colored by the society we live in.

Society tells us that men, the hunter/gatherer/providers, should be interested in sports and competition and things mechanical. Women, the mother/nurterer/caretakers, are supposed to be interested in the home and garden, spiritual matters, and taking care of their mate and children.

Occasionally a person is born who is physically of one sex, but whose gender identity is the opposite. Obviously there is a conflict between their identity and the role that society tells them they should take on, as defined by their physical sex. Some are devastated by the conflict, while others are able to adapt to the situation (with varying degrees of success). Any attempt by such a person to take on the role more appropriate to their gender identity is seen as unnatural, perhaps sinful, and threatening to society. Such people are often condemned and even vilified, and forced to either hide their feelings or become a part of a marginalized subculture. Those who are lucky enough to be able to pass as the sex they feel they are (either naturally or with the help of hormones and/or surgery) must do their best to hide their past and live day to day with the fear of being "outed".

One can only hope that in time society will evolve to accept and embrace these individuals, rather than marginalizing intelligent productive people because they don't fit a norm inherited from ancient times.

It'll be okay...

In one of the forums I frequent, a married crossdresser who recently "came out" to her family made a post saying that her wife is taking it badly, her son has no respect for her, and she is going to stop dressing and try to go back to the way things were before coming out, to try to save her marriage.

Aside from the obvious questions of whether it is possible to go back, this post raised another issue because she had been advised by other members of the forum to explain her feelings to her spouse.

All of us in this community want nothing but good things for the people we've come to know. Most of us know how important a few words of encouragement have been to us at critical moments, and we want to provide that same encouragement for others. But there is a danger.

We see someone going through all the pain and turmoil of wrestling with the decisions they have to make, and we want to tell them that it will be okay, that everything will work out. But we need to be careful; we need to remember that sometimes things aren't okay, and sometimes they don't work out.

We need to be realistic. The need to transition, or the need to come out to people close to us is so strong that it's easy to deceive ourselves; we read all the stories of wonderful, understanding spouses and friends, of passing when we never thought we would, and those stay in our minds. We don't remember the stories of divorce, recrimination, and being outed in public because that's not the way we want it to be for us. We become blind to the realities of our own situation.

If you're 6' 6", wear a size 15 shoe, and have a voice like James Earl Jones, you're going to have a tough time being out in public. If your father grew up in Lizard Beak Arkansas, watches Fox News, listens to Rush Limbaugh every day and doesn't care much for George Bush because he's not conservative enough, there's a good chance he's not going to accept your transition. If your wife has been with you for decades with never a hint that you were TG and you suddenly show up in an evening gown and 5" heels, she's going to have a hard time dealing with it and may not be able to deal with it at all.

So should we stop encouraging people? Of course not. Give them the kind words and reassurances, but point out the possibilities. Give them tips on how to make things go smoothly, but also give them tips on how to deal with the pain and rejection that may come.

I've been incredibly lucky so far, without a single bad experience. But I know that I've been lucky, and that my luck could run out at any time. Unfortunately, the reality is that there are a lot of people out there who either can't or won't understand who we are and what we're about, and feel threatened and even disgusted by us. We shouldn't be surprised when we meet them.

Breasts! (That'll get their attention...)

Like the rest of America, we are obsessed with breasts. Our obsession is a little different from most, though; our breasts can play a big part in our "passability".

Peoples' initial impressions of ones gender are based on a number of cues, of varying importance. A low voice, being tall, wearing pants, having large hands and feet, short hair, facial hair, and a flat chest and hips are all seen as male traits. Long hair, petite size, makeup, smaller features, skirts or dresses, high heels, and a curvy body are female traits. Most people show a mixtue of male and female cues, but the preponderance of one or the other is what determines our immediate impression of someone.

For example, Bea Arthur has a very low voice, but no one would take her as male. But if she were flat chested, had a crew cut, and wore jeans and a t-shirt and no makeup, that impression might change.

A young MTF transsexual, with a petite body, small features, and a flat chest can still pass as female fairly easily, even dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. An older transitioner, 6 feet tall, with big hands and craggy features, needs more help such as breasts, a skirt and heels, and makeup. More female cues are needed to outweigh the male ones, and breasts are a very strong cue.

We can't change our height or the size of our hands & feet, and modifying our facial features is extremely expensive. But breasts can be changed, with hormones, implants, or a few dollars worth of silicone rubber.

They're one of the few things we can change, so it should be no surprise that, to those of us that need them, they are a very big deal.

Position Still Wanted

As I mentioned in my post of April 16, Position wanted, I recently sent out a number of job applications as myself for the first time. One of them got a response, and an interview was arranged for Tuesday, April 25.

My first dilemma was whether to inform them of my TS status before the interview. I asked my therapist and a number of friends, and they all agreed: Don't tell them in advance. As one friend said, "Meet them first, and work your charm on them. Why give them a chance to reject you sight unseen?"

At the same time, I didn't want them to think I was trying to put one over on them. I decided to inform them of my situation early in the interview, whether it appeared that they had figured it out or not. I also printed up a one-page fact sheet about me, to attach to my resume. It was adapted from an example I found in the 'transitioning on the job' section of the Wiki on the Susan's Place website, with a lot of input from friends both online and otherwise.

One particularly valuable piece of advice was to emphasize the term 'diagnosis' when referring to my status. I took it a bit further and avoided the use of the word 'transsexual', as it is emotionally loaded for some. I also pointed out that, while asking them to jump through some hoops for me (pending name change, the restroom situation), I would undoubtedly be one of the most loyal employees they'd ever had!

Tuesday finally came, and despite being nervous as hell, I managed to dress and do my makeup and head off to the corporate headquarters.

No one gave me any funny looks, no one screamed, "That's a guy!" when I walked into the gigantic marble-lined reception area. The person interviewing me only seemed interested in me as a potential employee. We talked for quite a while about qualifications, experience, and people we both know in the industry; he never brought up the issue. When I finally did, telling him my legal name and explaining my situation briefly, he seemed legitimately sympathetic. I left with the impression that my gender really wouldn't be an issue; even after I brought it up, the questions were about salary issues and software perferences, not bathrooms and name changes.

As I walked out of the conference room, my interviewer was reading my information sheet. I felt good about it. I think I did everything right, and even if I didn't get the job, I felt that I got a fair hearing.

It was an amazing day.

I've been out in public before, but this was public. I was so encouraged by the whole experience that immediately after the interview, I went to the bank & cashed a check, then went shopping at Wally World. Not a single hassle or bad experience.

I'm not saying that I passed; I've said before that I don't believe I'll ever be 100% passable (is anyone really that confident?) I'm sure there was some whispering going on behind my back, and a few looks being passed back and forth, but I've always said that if I can leave people in enough doubt that no one says anything about it, I'd be happy. Well, I was happy!

Thus began a nerve-wracking 10 days. At the interview, it was mentioned that they hoped to have a decision by the middle of the next (this) week. Every day I anxiously checked phone messages and email.

Finally today the word came. I didn't get the job.

My guess is that they felt I was overqualified, and wouldn't be happy in the long run doing more production-oriented than creative work.

I'll just have to keep looking, but tonight I'm just going to curl up on the sofa with a spoon and a half-gallon of ice cream and do some serious self-consolation.

Does anyone know of any job openings?